Family and Friends Forum

I can't seem to get past this

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

375 posts

Posted Sun April 14, 2019 1:46pmReport post

I keep waiting for time to bring some sort of acceptance/ healing/ understanding/ answer to make life easier but it is simply not happening. I AM STUCK. It'll be 4 years since the Knock next month.

Yesterday the ex mother-in-law was 15 minutes late for the supervised access so I actually had a proper conversation with him. My youngest son was there the whole time so we just made small talk together which just seemed so natural. The man I thought I knew right there in his sitting room. He lost his job a couple of months ago & this time his conviction is proving problematic in getting new one. I felt sympathetic towards him & then all these thoughts came crashing in around everything he ruined by committing his crime.

Porn/drugs desensitized him & he was depressed. I get that BUT he crossed the line repeatedly for years. Whilst pretending to be a normal Dad. He didn't seek help. He lied. He hid a growing part of himself from me. He changed everything & I can't fix it. I will never trust him again because I still can't believe he did something I KNOW he did.

It is so messed up. I have to pinch myself sometimes to remind myself this IS my life. How did I end up here?!?

I don't want him part of my world (which is a happy place on non-access days) but feel I need to give my children chance to know their Dad so can't just cut him off.

My friends just don't understand the complexity of it all & I am struggling to find a way to explain it...xx

Maria

Member since
September 2018

259 posts

Posted Mon April 15, 2019 9:49amReport post

I think thats one of the things that makes it all so difficult is the complexity of it all. I know our situations are different but there's still many similar issues. I find it very hard to explain to others, I imagine it's even harder when in comes to images. Some our friends very are supportive but still say things like he must have been unhappy in your relationship as though it's all somehow my fault, others say this is boring you need to move on from it, or sex chat/porn addiction is made up it must be because he was unhappy. It's almost all too complex to explain at all. You should give yourself more credit, you have moved on and you have improved your life. As with any divorce there can be complications, but a situation like this adds a whole other layer of complications. We are back as a family but life will be a constant balence and compromise. My freedom is reduced, our way of life changed forever. The impact of internet offences is enormous, and there is endless issues and things to sort. Sometimes it does feel like there is never any way of getting away from it all. But I do remember the difference between now and when it all started, I hope that life will continue to get better for us all and we can find a way to get past this.

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

375 posts

Posted Mon April 15, 2019 11:27amReport post

Hi Maria

Thank you for your reply xx so pleased we have been able to connect through this Forum. You understand xx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Mon April 15, 2019 12:47pmReport post

Hi onwards and upwards

you are doing fantastic and an inspiration to me. It’s really tight your children get to know their dad but hard at the same time. They will grow up to be empathetic caring people.

I still can’t get my head around what happened to me it feels so surreal but I know for me there is no going back. I also can feel sympathy for his situation but like you I reflect he brought it on himself for what ever self destructive reason. The implications for me are huge as I never feel I can trust another again. ( well partner wise) I knew him for 10 years and the hurt is extreme and it does impact the children it’s their loss of what a real relationship with their dad could be like.



your all doing so well, I am pleased we have this community that can show each other compassion. I can see why it takes years to process my daughter is only 4 and his decision is going to impact her till she hits adult hood.

it annoys me Maria when people do t fully understand the ramifications and say we should stop talking about it. It’s a complicated grief and we need support to process. I love that I have a counsellor it helps me so much and I don’t feel guilty because I didn’t ask for this to happen.

onewards and upwards it good you have support from your ex mother in law I am so greatful my mum does one of my contacts. It helps so much. I wonder what he will have felt from talking to you for15 mind. I bet it impacted him too in a way. To see you surviving and he initiated the cause of the break up. You have raised your boys and you should be proud.



you all are truly strong and I think you doing really well. Xxx

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

375 posts

Posted Mon April 15, 2019 2:43pmReport post

My ex mother-in-law doesn't do the supervising to support me. She does it so her son can see his children. It was either her doing it or a contact centre. We are very civil towards each other which is the best I can hope for in the circumstances xx

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

375 posts

Posted Mon April 15, 2019 2:45pmReport post

Thank you for your positivity as always Bethlou xxx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

333 posts

Posted Mon April 15, 2019 6:44pmReport post

Hi Onwards and upwards

I know how you're feeling, it seems to be never ending. Every time I think I've turned a corner bang, I get hit in the face by something so stupid that I can't even tell people because they will think I'm daft.

I doesn't a few days with my parents and friends to get away for a break, mum, my friend and I went shopping and I just felt overwhelmed while in M&S, they were looking at clothes for their husbands and I don't have one, well I do but not for much longer. I never had to worry about money and now I'm checked l checking my bank account constantly to make sure I've still got some money in it till the end of the month. That made me really angry yesterday, I'd seen a couple of toys in M&S but couldn't justify the cost when I can get something much cheaper in Primark! I know that makes me sound terrible when people are going through so much worse but it just brought it all home!

They were all talking about holidays and where they had been and I couldn't join in as my dad doesn't like him mentioned!! They were taking about Las Vegas and what a good time they had there, we got married there, god memories are crap!!

How do we move forward, how do we put this behind us? Perhaps we never do but if hate to think this is it!!

My mum who's 80 said she wants to see me happy before she dies (she isn't planning on doing this for a while) and I started to day but I am happy and it just got lodged in my throat!!

This is so rubbish for us all, no matter what our situation, we didn't ask for it and it's not fair but it's our lives!

Don't think I've helped at all in my rant so I'm sorry but you know we'll pull ourselves out of it and carry on!!

Thank God for you guys xx

Andrea

Member since
September 2018

165 posts

Posted Mon April 15, 2019 7:33pmReport post

Thank you all for making me feel less alone in this mess. I agree exactly with what you have all said. Things do keep just cropping up and empahasisng how much my life has changed. I know I have isolated myself because I feel that nobody could understand how this all goes on and on. I don’t think I could ever trust again - this has been way too much of a betrayal after 30+ years together and I know that I will never be able to completely happy again. I recognise that I do have many positive things in my life and I am grateful for that but it all still feels so unfair. Wishing you all lots of love. Xxx

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

375 posts

Posted Mon April 15, 2019 9:43pmReport post

Tracey & Andrea: it is comforting to know you guys are in the trenches with me...I wish you were not struggling with this too but at least we have each other when our environment feels hostile xxx

Andrea

Member since
September 2018

165 posts

Posted Tue April 16, 2019 6:32amReport post

Yes - it is such a mixture of emotions isn’t it? Whilst I wouldn’t wish this on anyone it is still comforting to know that I am not suffering alone. Also whilst I am upset that you are still struggling so many years on, Onwards and upwards, it does make me feel that I need to be more patient with myself and that it is ok to not be over this yet. Thanks for all your reassurance and support - please keep posting. Xxx

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