Family and Friends Forum

One year on!

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

333 posts

Posted Thu April 18, 2019 8:17amReport post

So I was thinking when I got the year point I've been through all the firsts and things would start to improve!

The sentencing has taken place, my husband is in prison, the divorce is progressing slowly, why do I feel more down than I have for quite sometime?

There isn't really any joy in my life, I go to work come home and it starts all over again the next day.

Perhaps I was thinking it would be easier after a year but that isn't how I'm finding it, in fact is more isolating because I think people assume (wrongly) that you're okay now, you're better!! Do you ever get to feel normal again??

I had a supervision at work yesterday and my boss, who's been amazing, asked me how I was, I did the usual and just said everything was fine but I could have cried!!

I don't know, maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself and just need to sort myself out!

Hope your all have a wonderful day xx

Rosa

Member since
March 2019

38 posts

Posted Thu April 18, 2019 8:40amReport post

Hello Tracey. I am almost a year on and whilst I have gone through many ups and downs, I ultimately still feel what I can only describe as hopeless. I always think of that word being linked to the symptoms of depression but I don’t think I’m depressed, i honestly just feel that being a victim in this situation leaves you wondering how you ever move forward. I function as you do - i work, i bring up my kids, i look after the house but these are all just things that need doing and pass the day - but towards what? I can’t imagine moving forward - my kids ever knowing what their dad did, me ever trusting anyone again and there ever being any genuine unfettered joy in my life. It sounds bleak but I know exactly how you feel. That said, i have read some really positive stuff from others on here so o am hopeful that one day I can feel differently. I hope we all can. Second court date (magistrates again) is approaching so I am still mod journey; not knowing any conclusions so still feel in limbo. I am on holiday from work at the moment and normally love this time of year but this break has just gone by again just doing things each day to occupy the kids and I find the break coming to an end but I don’t feel relaxed, rested or refreshed. I haven’t really enjoyed it, I have just gotten through it. I want to enjoy life again but from day one of the knock this has felt like my life sentence not his! Sorry, i’m Not sure what I intended when I started writing this; maybe to comfort knowing you are not alone but i’m in the same position so maybe others can offer more positive comments. X

Maria

Member since
September 2018

259 posts

Posted Thu April 18, 2019 9:26amReport post

I'm so sorry to hear you are both struggling. I think people have no idea just how hard it is to deal with the fall out of these type of offences. There is a daily struggle and a constant reminder that life will never be the same. The small things that were so easy before are now hard work. Having said that and I hope i dont upset anyone by saying life can get better and life while much harder can still be good. My partner is a sex offender and that makes my stomach churn, how did that happen. But we have come a long way in less than a year, he is living at home again so the kuds are happy (They hardly notice that daddy is supervised), life is returning to some kind of normal, we can still have fun as a family, I can still have fun doing the fun stuff with the kids that he cannot come too, we can plan things for the future now (things need to be altered and thought about but there's still oportunity). Our situation may be slightly different which might make it easier to do these things but regardless of the circumstances hes still convicted of a serious offence, one that must be kept hidden apart from to family and friends. I highly recormmend cbt and councelling if anyone reading has not done that, it really does help.

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

375 posts

Posted Thu April 18, 2019 10:15amReport post

Hi Tracey & Rosa

I would like to offer some twisted positivity!! This whole thing does evolve & the hopelessness does lift. Personally I loop back around an emotional rollercoaster all the time but if I stand back my journey IS Onwards & Upwards.

We are grieving for the future we thought we have & are reframing our past now we know what we know. That is a huge psychological shift & it takes time. Plus we have new unprecedented challenges dealing with fear of community judgement & trusted friendships being tested in a way we couldn't have imagined pre-knock.

Grief is a concept that has much more sympathy & understanding these days thanks to amazing websites like Cruse Bereavement but like so much with our situations it is much more complicated than anything your average person can emphasise with...

I lost my Mum in 2009. Every passing anniversary or milestone she hasn't been a part of still makes me feel loss. Mothers Day kicks me in the gut but Christmas is absolutely fine: go figure! People seem to get the challenge of being a Mum without a Mum as they may have known someone else who has lived that experience or can imagine it.

I had 2 miscarriages. I felt sympathy & then it was as if everyone thought I should just move on. Shit happens, put it behind you. A small number got it. They know the sense of loss of wanting something so badly & being totally powerless to change the outcome which would shape my future. Both successful pregnancies were over shadowed by the 2 that didn't make it as that fear it could all go wrong again stayed. I don't feel any affect of anniversaries etc now however I'll never forget.

What we are all dealing with is blend of those types of grief. The memories & hopes/expectations can haunt us. Plus we have the added emotions of anger/resentment/hurt/worry of having the person we are grieving for still being part of our world's.

I mean when I actually look at the big picture no wonder I struggle at times. HUGE amount of emotional baggage!! And I can't talk it out in the normal way as it is all secret devastation: my compromise to protect my children.

Overall I am happy. I am so grateful for all the positives in my life for which there are many. My highs feel higher because the lows are, well pretty rubbish really!!

Change is the only constant. Time will pass. We will survive xx

Jayne G

Member since
March 2019

107 posts

Posted Thu April 18, 2019 7:21pmReport post

I’m nowhere near a year into this journey - I’m a little over a month! I’ve found that I can put on “the face” with people who don’t know the situation, but those who do tend to get my tears when they ask how I am, but I’m getting stronger.

It really is the littlest things that send me into a spin. We’ve been trying to keep our weekends full, so that the kids don’t ask questions, but last weekend a cinema trip tipped me over the edge. We came out of the film and when we all needed a wee, and he couldn’t take his son into the men’s, I nearly had a meltdown! Counting to 10, I made the decision to head into the disabled toilet (his son has a disability anyway, so I didn’t feel TOO naughty!) where we could all wee and he wasn’t left unsupervised. The logical part of me sees that that was the obvious option, but in the heat of the moment I felt sheer panic! Tell me someone else has lost their sh** over something equally trivial?? Haha! Xx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

333 posts

Posted Fri April 19, 2019 8:15amReport post

Thank you ladies, while I don't wish this on anyone I'm so glad I'm not alone in it.

Rosa, your use of the word hopeless summed it up for me, that is exactly how it feels. I am on fairly heavy anti depressants and although if like to get off them one day, that day is a way off as yet.

Jayne, I think we've all list it over something that may seem everyday life to some but isn't to us now, I've certainly list it several times over stupid things, songs on the radio, seeing a favourite food of his in the supermarket, I can't look at 'husband' cards because it just brings back what I've lost.

I'm very cynical now, I was walking my dog Wednesday and saw a man in his own watching the kids playing, I now have him pegged as a pervert, it would never have crossed my mind before the knock, I don't believe in happy ever after, in my head there is no such thing. My once near perfect life crashed a year ago, if it could happen once it can happen again!!

Onwards and upwards, your words are, as always, so reassuring and comforting

Maria, I admire you so much, your life must be so tough yet you just get on with it, have so much respect for you.

It's beautiful and sunny where I am, I'm having a big family day on Sunday which I'm looking forward too, I hope you all have a fabulous few days

Much love to everyone xx

Paula

Member since
September 2018

77 posts

Posted Fri April 19, 2019 11:38pmReport post

Hi everyone, I haven’t posted for a while but I’m here. The forensics on my exes computer are due to start in June which is a year on from the Knock. So God knows when he will be charged. I keep in touch with him to make sure he is ok. And I’m rebuilding my life, refusing to be defined by this. I appreciate it is so much easier when you don’t have children between you. Mine are grown up and his have disowned him. The things that have seen me through this are a brilliant therapist who I can just about afford to see once a month. My grown up kids and close friends....and you guys!!

The day The Knock came I was a few weeks away from marrying my partner after 15 years together. But after the weeks of initial shock -both physical and mental- and feeling totally hopeless and broken I decided I had a choice. I could either be a victim of all this and the huge emotional tsunami that engulfed me or I could be a fighter. If you think this is going to destroy me and break my spirit ...just watch me!!

This is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. But it is not going to ruin my life. Onwards and Upwards thanks so much for your encouragement over the months. And to all of you who post often and offer so much support. This is an amazing group. Lots of love ...you can do this.

Big sigh

Member since
December 2018

167 posts

Posted Fri April 19, 2019 11:46pmReport post

Glad to see I am not only one waiting forever for forensics to start. 5 months in and still no forensics been done yet.

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